a turn for the worst..

haven't blogged in a while. everything has been a bit up in the air recently and grandad has gone drastically down hill. 

on the 30th of november we flew over to ireland to spend time with the family but our main priority was our beloved grandad. nothing could prepare us for what we saw. i think we were both in complete shock and so taken back by how much he had deteriorated. it was so comforting to see how excited he was to see us and that no matter how much he was going through he still had his enormous sense of humour, bright blue eyes and wonderful smile. 

he had his good days and bad days - even though he slept a lot it was peace of mind for me that he wasn't alone and i'd just sit and watch him sleep. i fed him every meal every day, wiped his mouth, made sure he was warm and put on his lip cream when he needed it. this was as much as we were allowed to do due to hospital regulations which i completely respect but i couldn't help feeling useless. 

jack made up some playlists of grandads favourite music and put it onto an old iphone. he took some portable speakers so grandad could listen to it when ever he wanted - his face was an absolute picture when he heard it and he had everyone around clapping and singing along too!

the kindest thing for grandad was decided this week and he was moved into a hospice. its less clinical and more homely for him. the next few days will be critical, he isn't in any pain but is very sleepy and non responsive. 

trying to think positively is completely off the cards; how can anything be looked at in a positive way at the moment? although he is not my blood, he is my grandad, we have always had a special connection and it warms me to know he has been asking for me whilst he has been poorly. he took my hand, looked me in the eyes and said 'you are my best friend' that moment will stay with me for the rest of my life. 

there will be such a huge hole left in the family but even though he wont pick up the phone or knock at the door, he will always live on in our hearts and our minds.

a little thunder cloud..

the last few weeks haven't been the easiest for our family. jacks great grandad sadly passed away, after suffering from the multiple illnesses life threw at him he peacefully passed in his sleep with his daughters around him. i, personally only met him once but i had heard so much about him and knew he meant so much to jacks stepdad brent. he was so gentle and kind and although only meeting him six months ago i felt like i really knew him! he will be greatly missed by all of us, there is some comfort in knowing he is now reunited with his wife. 

grandad chris has been diagnosed with stage four cancer in his lung and in his spine. it's so sad to know that he is poorly, he has had radiotherapy and had some chemotherapy too. sadly the chemo has ripped his immune system to shreds and he is currently in hospital suffering from pneumonia. it's very hard for us all as they live in Ireland, however we are very grateful that jacks uncle Ian is over there keeping an eye on nanny and grandad. chris is such a character and we have a lovely relationship - i called his hospital phone the other day and Ian picked up it was so lovely hearing how excited he was that i was on the phone "jacks katherine" he asked, "let me talk to the girl!" we are going over on the 30th of this month for a few days which will be lovely. i can't wait to see them all and spend some much needed girly time with nanny in our 'house coats' as she calls them! chris also asked if we wanted him to buy a nice cot for the baby to sleep in when we go over - he's a cutie. 

i was also admitted to hospital on sunday as i hadn't felt baby move for a good 15 hours and when jack and i sat and thought about it baby hadn't really moved alot in the three days prior. i called my midwife who is absolutely FANTASTIC and she told us to pop up to triage just to be monitored. greeted by another lovely midwife i was hooked up to the machine for a good 40 minutes - obviously baby Tring kicked up a storm and had a squirming fit and we were allowed home. she told us that just because we had been checked over and baby was moving you can never be too careful and any worry should be dealt with no matter how small. i am very grateful for the nhs. 

lets hope november is a brighter month!

it's not a walk in the park..

my view of pregnancy before i was pregnant was that you get a nice little bump, see a midwife, have scans and have a cute little baby at the end of it all!

however, it's not like that at all.

i'm constantly tired, hungry, breathless, snappy and then happy one minute, emotional, hormonal, angry with the world and just darn restless!

it's an incredible journey it really is but it doesn't half take its toll on you! i always think that i'm overreacting and sometimes i just keep my mouth shut so people don't get fed up with me haha! how hard can it be eh?!

two weeks ago i ended up in hospital because i lost a lot of fluid, had pains all in my right side and i hadn't felt baby move since the day before. i rang my midwife and explained what happened and she advised me to go straight into triage so i could be checked over. if i wasn't nervous enough the nurses first words were 'we need to make sure it wasn't your waters!' PETRIFIED didn't even come close to how i was feeling. the triage nurse was lovely and made me feel really comfortable - herself and a student nurse brought in all the equipment they needed to examine and monitor me and baby. they used the doppler and picked up the heartbeat - relieved mummy and daddy! i had to lay flat on my back for 30 minutes and wait for the doctor to come and examine me, i wasn't impressed when it was the HORRIBLE doctor who did our emergency scan and who questioned if i was actually pregnant! you can probably imagine the look on my face but i didn't mind as long as she did her job properly. to my embarrassment i needed to have an internal examination -  not very nice at all but it had to be done. after a few hours in the hospital we were given the all clear and told that my waters had not gone i had just leaked a lot of fluid. i was told to 'take it easy and rest' not that i know what that means but i suppose i should probably stop running around to avoid having another scare.

also last monday i began physiotherapy as my leg has given way twice when getting up after sitting or lying down! i was told that how my hip is at the moment, it wouldn't withstand a natural birth and would break during child birth! if i didn't do exercises and keep an eye on how i'm sitting it would only get worse. i've been given exercises to do throughout the day and i have to sit on the sofa with my legs out straight and elevated! i'm also not allowed to scrunch my legs up when i sit or sleep as baby is crushing my uteral ligaments and my diaphragm so i'm not getting the oxygen i need! needless to say i'm a very tired and restless mummy to be. 

lets hope October brings me good health! - wealth wouldn't go a miss either.

24 weeks & 3 days..

pregnancy is an indescribable feeling, sometimes it can all become a bit overwhelming. I'm so lucky to have such a supportive fiance to cheer me up and make me smile when things get a bit too much!

the dreaded tiredness seems to have crept back into my life - just as i was starting to feel human again. i love being cosy and warm but getting into bed at 8  and being asleep by half past seems to be becoming a regular thing. i feel like an old biddy! i have low iron and i have a cold at the moment so that probably has some input to how i feel in the evenings.

little Tring is really starting to kick up a storm in my tummy and has a regular sleep pattern! i was a bit gutted when the sonographer said my placenta is at the front of my tummy and it may take some time for daddy and others to feel baby kick. luckily baby likes to sit at the top of my tummy so daddy has had his fair share of kicks - including in the head when he talks to them! nanna and grandad were very excited when they first felt baby kick, we were all huddled together in bed for over an hour just watching my tummy move! Aunty Natalie, aunty Jade and aunty Hannah also got a bit giddy when they felt baby move for the first time! only some people get the luxury of feeling baby move though :) 

he's amazing..

I don't really want to make his head or ego any bigger nor do I want to make people fall in love with him but he really is something special..

I couldn't ask for any more than I have right now, I may be bias but my fiance has to be one in a million. All the crap he has to deal with from me - believe me I can be horrid. He takes my sarcasm on the chin, instead of getting angry with me he makes me laugh regardless of the situation. I don't really give him a lot of credit. 

Material posessions don't mean much to me, the little things mean the most - don't get me wrong I love expensive things but time and love mean more to me than anything else. 

On sunday I got dressed, got changed, threw a strop, got dressed, got naked, threw all my clothes in the bin, curled up in the duvet, cried and told Jack I was going back to bed! We have all been there tearing out our wardrobes and multiple drawers and still 'have nothing to wear'. I love being pregnant, believe me I do but I hate every other aspect of my body but my bump! Lumps in all the wrong places and lady lumps quadrupling in size becoming absolute boulders to the point of me feeling winded and crushed if they are resting on my bump for too long!

Jack takes everything with a pinch of salt and can find positives in everything, it's difficult for me to live with someone so happy when I have always been surrounded with negativity. I love him unconditionally. 

Being pregnant changes your whole life as a family but as the mother carrying that child sometimes it is hard to come to terms with the changes as a whole let alone all the changes our poor bodies have to go through. We are incredible species being able to grow another human and carry them with us and it should be a time for us to look in the mirror and say 'I am incredible'.  

I'm just so blessed to have him and our child is the luckiest baby in the world to have him as a daddy. 

A little something that got delivered to our door. I merely mentioned to Jack that I liked it but for £79 it was a little ludicrous for a nappy bag! Low and behold a week later it turns up at the house. I think he'd do anything to make me smile even if it does 'make him look gay' as he says!

purchases for baba..

Jack and I have been shopping around but have decided on the main necessities for baby. 

We have already purchased the beautiful cot bed from mamas and papas as it was in the sale and it was the first one we actually agreed on! Usually retailing at £500 we got it for just £199 and chose the delivery date for the end of November so it's not too early but not too late as we love being organised.

The bugaboo speaks for itself but after much deliberation, a few tantrums and some tears (from Jack - obviously) we came to the conclusion that this is the pushchair for us. I love how it looks and how many different colours and accessories you can get for it to really make it your own. As we don't know the sex and would use it for future children we decided on black and grey. Black on black was too bland but the grey base is a nice touch. I've always been a strong believer that for the first few months a carrycot is best and it's included in the price and very roomy. Personally I don't like the idea of clipping a carseat to a pushchair as babies should not be in that position for a long time, it's nice to see them comfortable and I know it's not very good for their spine. We will be ordering this beauty in November too.

Maxi-cosi pebble is a favourite carseat of ours - light and highly recommended. Maxi-cosi are a great brand with very high safety ratings; I can't say i've ever heard negative comments about them. This carseat will live in our car and nanna will have a spare for baby in hers - a special request of hers (: 

21 weeks..

So here are our 20 week scan pictures as clear as anything!

We decided not to find out the sex of our little butter bean as we wanted them to be a surprise - we figured we had waited 20 weeks already so there's no harm in waiting another 20 is there? Baby was sucking their thumb but played hard to get when the sonographer was trying to look at their spine so I was sent to empty my bladder and do star jumps in the loo! It was quite nerve racking as this is the scan where all vital organs and features are looked at in fine detail to rule out any defects or conditions baby may have. 

Nanna joined us and couldn't have been any more excited, she arrived at the hospital before we did and was thrilled - was a shame grandad couldn't make it though.

We were happy parents when we were given the all clear and were told baby was healthy and they were measuring big - GOD HELP ME! I just keep telling myself it's because they are long like daddy but really hope they do not weigh the same as daddy did at birth!